sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
