i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
