DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
