Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
