Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
