If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
