Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
