pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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