I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
