Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
