This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
