I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
