i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
3pm strippers are depressing
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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