i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
