I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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