I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
