I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
