I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Quick, to the slutcave!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
