My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
