My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
