May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
