You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
im on a boat
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