Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
