I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
