I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
