Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
