6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We need a shit load of segways right now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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