Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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