whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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