I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
