where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
