My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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