He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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