I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
