Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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