Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
