she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
