i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
