She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
