He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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