Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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