so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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