God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
