This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
