Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
