so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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