One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
