I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
