I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
