I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
